How to raise righteous children

[Muslim]

fatwa # 10016:How to raise righteous children

Question:

I find disciplining my children difficult and often become angry and beat them. Can you give me any advice on the subject, as well as any books that would be appropriate to read?.

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

Raising and educating children is one of the duties required of parents. Allaah has enjoined that in the Qur’aan, and the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also enjoined that. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allaah, but do that which they are commanded” [al-Tahreem 66:6]

Imam al-Tabari said, commenting on this verse:

Here Allaah is saying: O you who believe in Allaah and His Messenger, “Ward off yourselves” teach one another that which will protect those who do it from the Fire and ward it off from them, if it is done in obedience to Allaah and they do it in obedience to Allaah. The phrase “and your families against a Fire” means, and teach your families to do acts of obedience to Allaah so that they may protect themselves from the Fire. Tafseer al-Tabari, 18/165

Al-Qurtubi said:

Muqaatil said: This is a duty that he owes to himself, his children, his family and his male and female slaves. Ilkiya said: We have to teach our children and families religious commitment and goodness, and what they cannot do without of etiquette. This is what Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And enjoin As-Salaat (the prayer) on your family, and be patient in offering them [i.e. the Salaat (prayers)]” [Ta-Ha 20:132]

And Allaah said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) (interpretation of the meaning): “And warn your tribe (O Muhammad) of near kindred” [al-Shu’ara’ 26:214]

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “And teach them (children) to pray when they are seven years old.” Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 18/196

The Muslim – any Muslim – is a daa’iyah who calls people to Allaah, so the first people whom he calls should be his children and family who are close to him. When Allaah commanded His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to call people, He said (interpretation of the meaning):

“And warn your tribe (O Muhammad) of near kindred” [al-Shu’ara’ 26:214] because they are the first people to whom he should do good and show mercy.

The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) gave the parents the responsibility of raising the children and made that obligatory upon them.

It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s household and is responsible for her flock. A servant is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for his flock.” He said: and I think he said, “A man is the shepherd of his father’s wealth and is responsible for his flock. Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 583; Muslim, 1829.

Part of your duty is to bring them up from a young age to love Allaah and His Messenger and to love the teachings of Islam. You should tell them that Allaah has a Paradise and a Hell; that His Hell is hot and its fuel is men and stones. The following story contains an important lesson.

Ibn al-Jawzi said:

There was a king who had a lot of wealth, and he had a daughter and no other children. He loved her very much, and he used to let her enjoy all kinds of entertainment. This went on for a long time. Beside the king there lived a devoted worshipper, and whilst he was reciting one night, he raised his voice saying, “O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones “ [al-Tahreem 66:6 – interpretation of the meaning]. The girl heard his recitation and said to her servants, “Stop!” But they did not stop. The worshipper started to repeat the verse, and the girl kept telling them to stop, but they did not stop. She put her hands to her collar and tore her garment, and they went to her father and told him the story. He went to her and said, “My dear, what happened to you tonight? What made you weep?” and he hugged her. She said, “I ask you by Allaah, O my father, to tell me, does Allaah have a Fire the fuel of which is men and stones?” He said, “Yes.” She asked him, “Why did you not tell me? By Allaah I will not eat any good food or sleep on any soft bed until I know whether my abode is in Paradise or Hell.” Safwat al-Safwah, 4/437-438

You have to keep them away from the places of immorality and misguidance; do not leave them to grow up with evil things from the television etc, then after that expect them to be righteous, for whoever sows thorns cannot harvest grapes. That should be done when they are young, so that it will be easy for them when they grow up, and they will get used to it, and it will be easy for you to tell them what to do and what not to do, and it will be easy for them to obey you.

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Teach your children to pray when they are seven years old, and smack them if they do not do so when they are ten, and separate them in their beds.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 495; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5868

But the educator must be merciful, forbearing, easy-going and approachable, not foul-mouthed or unkempt, arguing in a manner that is better, far removed from insulting, rebuking and beating, unless the child is one of those who willfully disobey and rejects his father’s commands and neglects his duties and does haraam things; in that case it is better to use stern measures with him, without causing him harm.

Al-Minaawi said:

For a father to discipline his child when he reaches the age of discernment [??] means that he should raise him with the characteristics of the righteous believers and protect him from mixing with evildoers; he should teach him the Qur’aan and good manners and the language of the Arabs, let him hear the Sunnah and the sayings of the Salaf and teach him the religious rulings that he cannot do without. He should warn him then smack him if he does not pray etc. That will be better for him than giving a saa’ in charity, because if he teaches him properly, his actions will be among his ongoing charity, whereas the reward for a saa’ of charity is limited, but that will last as long as the child lives. Discipline is the nourishment of the soul, and training it for the Hereafter.

“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell)…” [al-Tahreem 66:6 – interpretation of the meaning]

Protecting yourself and your family from it means reminding them of Hell. Discipline includes preaching, warning, threatening, smacking, detaining, giving and being kind. Disciplining one who is good and noble is different from disciplining one who is difficult and ignoble. Fayd al-Qadeer, 5/257

Smacking is a means of correcting the child; it is not something that it wanted in and of itself, rather it is resorted to if the child is stubborn and disobedient.

There is a system of punishment in Islam, and there are many punishments in Islam, such as the hadd punishments for adultery, theft, slander, etc. All of these are prescribed in order to set the people straight and put a stop to their evil.

Concerning such matters the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advised parents to deter their children from doing wrong.

It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Hang your whip where the members of the household can see it, for that will discipline them.” Narrated by al-Tabaraani, 10/248; its isnaad was classed as hasan by al-Haythami in Majma’ al-Zawaa’id, 8/106 . Al-Albaani said in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4022, it is hasan.

So raising children should be a balance between encouragement and warning. The most important element of all is making the environment in which the children live a good one, by providing the means whereby they may be guided; this means that their educators should be religiously committed, including their parents.

One of the ways in which a parent may be successful in raising his children is to use a cassette player to play tapes of teachings, Qur’aan recitation, khutbahs and lessons of scholars, for there are many available.

With regard to the books that you asked about, which you can refer to with regard to raising children, we recommend the following:

Books

Tarbiyat al-Atfaal fi Rihaab al-Islam
by Muhammad Haamid al-Naasir and Khawlah ‘Abd al-Qaadir Darweesh

Kayfa yurabbi al-Muslim waladahu
by Muhammad Sa’eed al-Mawlawi

Tarbiyat al-Abna’ fi’l-Islam
by Muhammad Jameel Zayno

Kayfa nurabbi Atfaalana
by Mahmoud Mahdi al-Istanbuli

Mas’ooliyat al-Abb al-Muslim fi Tarbiyat al-Walad
by ‘Adnaan Ba Haarith

And Allaah knows best.

http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/10016

[Muslim]

fatwa # 20872:Developing a girl’s self-confidence

Question:

My parents treated me very badly, to such an extent that I lost my self-confidence and became hesitant and fearful. I couldn’t do anything right and I did not know how to make a decision. I got married and Allaah has blessed me with a daughter. I want to avoid what happened to me so that this regrettable experience is not repeated with my daughter. What do you advise me to do?

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

At the age of two, a child starts to form her attitude towards the world around her. Some developmental psychologists think that the sense of self-confidence is one of the first of these attitudes and the strength of these feelings at age 2 depends on the kind of care that the child receives and on the parents’ attitude in meeting her basic needs. At this stage the child shows signs of development by showing a desire for independence, as she needs the freedom to speak, walk and play. All of that is connected to the need to assert herself which can only be achieved by allowing her a measure of independence. This is confirmed by the theory of development through maturity which says that we should respect the child’s individuality and leave him or her to develop naturally. Some girls grow up lacking self-confidence so that they cannot rely upon themselves in any matter, major or minor. They rarely take any initiative and are always waiting for someone to say, “Do such and such.” If faced with a problem, such a girl will be unable to take any decision and may try to avoid confronting the problem, or start crying. This is partly the parents’ fault, and it may be for a number of reasons, such as:

· Too much control (“Do this, don’t do that”) in major and minor matters alike, even if the matter does not warrant it, so that the child loses her spontaneity and this makes her lose confidence in her actions, and instead she always waits for someone to correct her and reassure her that she is doing the right thing.

· Blaming and criticizing her for everything she does, seeking out her faults and rebuking her if she makes a mistake, so that she is blamed and rebuked more than she deserves at the time when she is expecting praise for her efforts. This destroys the child’s motivation to act or to compete in doing anything and doing it well.

· Not giving the child the opportunity to speak in front of others for fear that she may make a mistake or speak of things that are not desirable, or else allowing her to speak but telling her what she should say.

· Giving her too many warnings about danger, which will make her always expect the worst and imagine that she is surrounded by danger on all sides.

· Putting her down or comparing her to others, which makes her think that she has no worth.
· Making fun of her and mocking her.
· Not paying attention to her questions.
· Paying too much attention in a manner that shows excessive worry about her health or her future.

Lack of self-confidence has many negative effects on the child, such as:

1- She will not be able to do anything independently, and if she is asked to bring something and finds that it differs from the description given, she will be hesitant; if she is faced with a problem she will be unable to take a decision.

2- She will become dull-witted and not creative.

3- She will start to complain and feel unhappy whenever anything is asked of her, because she thinks that she will be blamed for whatever she does and that she will not be able to do it in the manner required.

4- She will become weak-willed and will have no resolve, and she will feel meek and apathetic in situations where such attitudes are not appropriate, and will become neglectful and disorganized.

5- She will suffer anxiety and frustration, and will develop a hostile attitude or a tendency to become introverted and withdrawn.

In order to avoid these negative effects on the child, parents should use a number of ways to develop the child’s self-confidence. Some examples follow, but this is not a complete list:

· They should draw up some general guidelines to follow by telling her what Allaah has made permissible, which she may do, and what He has forbidden, which she must avoid. They should make her aware of noble attributes and good manners, and instill in her a dislike for bad manners, deeds and words, and the need to steer clear of trivial matters. Then after that they should give her the freedom to act on her own initiative.

· The mother should assign her some tasks that she is able to do. If she makes a mistake the mother should praise her for her initiative and encourage her, then tell her what she should have done. Sometimes she should just praise her for her efforts, then complete the work in a gentle manner, without telling her directly. If the task is not something that the child is able to do, then the mother may do it and consult the child and ask for her opinion, and let the child state what she thinks is good and is not, so that the child will realize that everyone is vulnerable to making mistakes but also gets things right sometimes. This will strengthen her resolve.

· The parents should try to praise the child in front of her relatives and friends, and give her rewards commensurate with her efforts. They should praise her for the acts of worship that she does, such as praying regularly, memorizing Qur’aan, doing well in her studies, having a good attitude, and so on.

· They should give her a nickname that will distinguish her from others, but they should not allow anyone to call her by a bad nickname. If she makes them angry they should call her by her real name, so that she will realize that she has fallen short in her duty to one or both of them, or that she has wronged somebody, so that she will realize that.

· Strengthening her will-power, by getting her used to two things, namely:

(a) Keeping secrets: when she knows how to keep secrets and not divulge them, then her will-power will develop and grow stronger, and thus her self-confidence will increase.

(b) Getting her used to fasting, for when she stands firm in the face of hunger and thirst when fasting, she will feel the joy of achieving victory over her nafs (self), which will strengthen her will-power when facing life, which in turn will increase her self-confidence.

· Strengthening her confidence in dealing with other people. This may be done by getting her to do housework, obeying the parents’ commands, and letting her sit with the adults and get together with other youngsters.

· Strengthening her confidence in gaining knowledge, by teaching her the Qur’aan and the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and his Seerah (biography), so that she will grow up having acquired abundant knowledge in childhood, so that she will have a sense of confidence in the knowledge that she has, because she will have gained the basic principles of true knowledge, far removed from myths and legends.

On the other hand, the parents must also take some precautions and take effective measures to save the child from feeling inadequate. Some of the things that cause a child to feel inadequate are: belittling her, humiliating her and mocking her, such as calling her by offensive names and words in front of her siblings and relatives, or even in front of her friends or in front of strangers whom she has never met before. These are matters which may make her regard herself as insignificant and worthless, or may generate psychological complexes that will make her look at others with hatred and dislike, and make her withdraw into herself in order to escape from life.
Even if the offensive words that slip from the parents’ tongues are only for the purpose of disciplining the child for some mistake, great or small, it is not right to use this method to correct her, as this will have a bad effect on the child’s psyche and personal conduct, and it will make her accustomed to the language of condemnation and insult that will destroy her psychologically and morally.

The best way of dealing with this problem is to explain to the child, in a gentle manner, where she has gone wrong and to give her proof that will convince her to avoid the mistake in future; the parents should not scold her, and certainly not in front of others. The parents should use good methods in correcting her from the outset, following the example of the Messenger SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in the way he reformed and trained people and corrected their mistakes. For the child is very sensitive and readily influenced, irrational and helpless. Building the child’s self-confidence is the first step in building her personality through all stages of life.

From Tanshi’at al-Fataat al-Muslimah by Hanaan ‘Atiyah al-Toori al-Juhani, p. 163

http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/20872

comment:

Although the questioner is woman and asking about the daughter, the same can be applied with the son. Another thing to watch out for is that even if the parents aren't doing these negative things then others (older siblings, relatives) might be doing them, so the parents have stop that.

[Muslim]

Ten Things To Hand Down To Your Daughter

(1) Knowledge of and love for Allah and His Deen (Islam)

This is one of the most precious and enduring gifts you can pass down to your daughter, one that will benefit her in this life and the next.

(2) Memorization of the Quran.

No matter how little you have memorized yourself, push your daughter to memorize as much she can. Encourage her and help her to revise. It will stand her in good stead in her life and will be a source of reward for you after your death as well.

(3) A good example of Muslim womanhood.

Most girls look to their mothers for Guidance. Embody the characteristics of a strong, faithful Muslimah and she will be inspired to follow your example.

(4) A sense of self-worth and self-esteem

Instill a sense of confidence in your child by encouraging her skills, talents and personality to develop. Make her feel secure in her identity and show her that she is loved and appreciated. This will have a positive impact on her future relationships and how she interacts with the world.

(5) A sense of modesty

Instill a love for proper Hijab in your daughter and encourage her to be modest, never boastful or conceited, in all areas of her life.

(6) Your language

If you speak Arabic be sure to teach it to her so that she has the key to the understanding of the Quran. Also, if you have a mother tongue or speak a second language yourself, pass it on: a second or third language is always an asset, whether in study, work or social environment.

(7) A skill that you have

If you are an avid gardener, knitter or love painting, pass your skill onto your daughter. With so many traditional skills being lost in today's fast-paced world, you owe it to her to share your knowledge and pass it on to the next generation.

(8) Your favorite recipes

Yes, teach your daughter how to cook! Be it from a cookbook, an original recipe or passed down from your mother or even your grandmother, we all have our own trademark recipes: pass them on to your daughter and encourage her to develop some specialties of her own.

(9) Housekeeping skills

Instill good housekeeping habits in all your children and encourage them to take pride in a neat and tidy home. Pass any tricks or shortcuts on so that your daughter is well-equipped when she has a home of her own.

(10) Your family history

Give her a sense of her roots and heritage by sharing your family story with her. Acquaint her with her family tree and teach her the lessons learned by the different generations. Hopefully, she will do the same with her children, Insha'Allah.

[Muslim]

Choosing a School and Friends for your Child

by: ‘Abdus-Salaam bin ‘Abdillaah As-Sulaymaan

[From an upcoming Al-Ibaanah publication: "Raising Children in Light of the Qur'aan and Sunnah" by 'Abdus-Salaam As-Sulaymaan. The book was introduced and commended by Shaikh Saalih Al-Fawzaan.]

5. Choosing a School:

The father should strive to carefully choose a good school for his child, thus selecting the one that is of the finest quality and not necessarily the one that is closest to him. He should also ask those involved in the field of teaching and educating, who are sincere and honest, as to which of the schools is the best.

School has a deep impact on a student since it is there that he spends a quarter of his day – which is in fact the best time of the day. In the school he learns and is educated, and that is the place where he finds friends and companions.

So based on this, the father must keep a close connection with the school by going to visit it, staying in contact with it by phone and asking about the state of his son or daughter. He should be concerned with asking about his child’s character, behavior and friends before asking about his grades.

He should also follow up on his child’s educational development and studies, and check his notes and homework and be aware of the remarks the teacher makes to his child’s work so that he may correct it.

So your concern with your child’s studies and your solid relationship with his school, his teachers, his schoolwork, and his levels of education is good that will assist in his well-being and learning, by the will of Allaah.

6. Choosing a Friend:

From the things in which there is no doubt is that a friend has a profound effect on an individual – whether positive or negative. Sufficient to clarify this point is the statement of the Prophet (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) when he said: “The example of the righteous companion and the evil companion is like that of a seller of musk and a blacksmith.” [Reported by Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]

The Prophet (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) also said: “A man is upon the religion of his close friend, so let each of you look into whom he takes as a close friend.” [Reported by Abu Dawood]

Therefore, O father, it is incumbent upon you to look for a good friend and a sincere companion for your child before he chooses one on his own, for he may choose the wrong ones and then grow attached to them, after which it will be hard for you to separate them.

There are many accounts, too numerous to be recorded, in which children were raised in good environments and in conservative households but ended up mixing with bad companions on the pretext that they were going on a trip or an outing with them or using the excuse that they wanted to play with them or have fun with them or study with them. And the end result of this was that they had a negative effect on them.

In these days it is extremely difficult for a father to raise his child in exclusion of friends. Trials and temptations constantly surround the youth from all directions.

Bad friends can either be people who are engulfed in their desires or in misconceptions. If they are those who are given into whims and desires, they will lead your child towards mischief and a digression from good character. As for those who follow misconceptions, they will lead your child towards innovations and opposing the guidance of the pious predecessors (Salaf as-Saalih). Perhaps he may even fall into the acts of declaring Muslims disbelievers and innovators. This particularly applies to the members of those methodologies that are foreign to this country (i.e. Saudi Arabia), as has occurred to some of our youth, may Allaah guide them and return them back to the truth.

In conclusion, I ask Allaah to rectify for all of us our intentions and offspring, and that He forgive our parents, granting them the best of rewards on our behalf. I ask Allaah to assist us in being dutiful to them during their lives as well as after their deaths.

I also ask Allaah to aid us in raising our children upon the Qur’aan and the Sunnah and to make them righteous offspring and an enjoyment to our eyes in this life by, through their uprightness, and after death, through their righteous deeds.

SOURCE: Tarbiyat-ul-Awlaad fee Daw’-il-Kitaabi was-Sunnah (pg. 65-68)
Published on: February 27, 2007

http://shajaratuleemaan.blogspot.com/2007/03/choosing-school-and-friends-for-your.html

Hasad

A sign of hasad (blameworthy envy) is to feel happy when your brother (in Islaam) makes a mistake, misses a class or when he is backbitten. Trying to prove one is wrong is from hasad. Changing the meaning of ones' speech (giving a false understanding) to make him look bad is also from hasad.

Another sign is to hear him give a benefit, then you take it to another gathering and use it as if it were your own.

Knowledge is to fear Allaah. Not having it is a cause to enter the hellfire. The first to enter the Fire are those who seek knowledge for fame.


Excerpts taken from Shaykh Muhammad al Maalikees'
Via Pal Talk 6/29/02 & 7/01/02