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  1. #1
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    Default Choosing a Spouse

    An Islaamic, successful and happy marriage is the goal of every sister who is considering marriage.

    `The experience of choosing a spouse has both its highs and its lows. Low in the sense that we are uncertain about who will get as a spouse. This uncertainty may cause some sisters a bit of anxiety especially for those living in the West where marriages commonly occur between Muslims who are unknown to them or their family. High because you are hopeful that insha Allah the time and effort being put into your search will bring a spouse that you will be able to find companionship and love in.

    No matter if you are just starting out or if you have already chosen a suitor it's essential for every sister to have a realistic approach while going through the process. Here are some key points to consider:

    Deen & Character: For the sister and her family who may be helping her in looking for a spouse: The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said : “If there comes to you an offer of marriage, one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be mischief on earth and widespread corruption.” (at Tirmithi and Ibn Majah)

    The search for a spouse who is righteous in his religion and has a good character should be at the top of the list for any Muslim woman. This is similar to laying down the foundation to build a house. If one builds a house on a weak foundation, it will collapse eventually, while a house built on a good solid foundation stands firm through all sorts of weather (trials), insh Allah. A husband with a stable foundation relies on and has trust in the speech of Allah and the authentic statements of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and has the ability to enjoin it upon his family in the best manner. He is also someone who is kind, patient and uses good speech.

    As the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: "The believers with the most complete iman are those with the most refined manners. And the best among you are those who are best to their women." (at Tirmithi and Ibn Hiban; authenticated by al Albani in Sahih ul Jami no.1232 & as Sahihah no.284)

    Disagreements within marriage are common and usually normal occurrences. Having a husband who has a stable foundation and good manners will do wonders to alleviate misunderstandings before they get out of control. Furthermore, the deen and character of a husband is directly linked to how well or not he has the ability to treat you. A husband who fears Allah SWT and has a good character will not only be able to treat you well but, insha Allah, will also be a good role model for any children that you may be blessed with. However, do not be fooled by outward appearances. It's beautiful to see brothers dress according to the Sunnah, but their deeds must match their pious dress.

    Fatimah bint Qais (RA) reported: "I went to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and said: Abul Jahm and Mu'awiyah (RA) have proposed to marry me. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: As to Mu'awiyah he is very poor and Abul Jahm is accustomed to beating women." (Sahih Muslim)

    Be diligent, dear sister, in finding out about a suitor's religion and character and do not stop asking questions until you feel content. It is essential for you and your family to thoroughly research the character of your suitor. This may involve finding out about his reputation, observing him in his dealings with others, speaking to people who have lived with him, traveled with him or done business with him. It is amazing that people will spend weeks and months researching a potential business partner’s background for the sake of a financial investment but are content to ask the minimum number of questions before marrying the sister off to a relative stranger! This is a grave error.

    Take your time and insist on getting the answers you seek so that you can make a balanced, informed decision.

    Some questions to ask:
    1. Do you pray all five salat?
    2. How much Qur'an have you memorized?
    3. Are you actively seeking knowledge?
    4. How do you deal with your parents, siblings and co-worker?
    5. Can I speak with your family about you?

    Compatibility:

    How many times do we hear of cases in which, after a couple weeks, a newly wed couple ends up divorcing because they were too different and could not get along? Homes have broken up over one spouse wanting the other to conform to their idea of how a spouse should behave or manage the household or children. If you know you are unable to be flexible or assimilate in certain areas of your life, you have to honestly express that to a suitor. Also seek honesty from the suitors as well.

    Compromise is necessary in any marriage. It may be that you will find out later on that some things you thought you would not be able to accept, Allah grants you ease with. Likewise, it also possible that the very things that you thought you could deal with the best, cause you discomfort. Be balanced, flexible and understanding but not a sap. Know which areas you are prepared to compromise and which areas are not up for negotiation. Some forms of compatibility will develop after the marriage has taken place. Other areas of compatibility will aid in the long tern success of the marriage. Either way it is on you to check for it.

    Some questions to ask:
    1.What are your likes and dislikes?
    2. How you do you feel about…? (Ask about things that are important to you)
    3. What are your plans for the future? (Be specific and discuss issues such education, work, children, hijrah, polygyny, and other issues that are important for you to know about)
    4. What would you do if...?
    5. What do you not want your wife to do...?

    Lineage:

    While a Muslim man can be married because of his lineage, the best reason should be righteousness and character. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was asked, ‘Which people are the most honourable?

    ’ He said: ‘The most honourable in the sight of Allah are the most pious (those who have most taqwa).’ They said, ‘That is not what we were asking about.’ He said: ‘The most honourable of people is Yoosuf the Prophet of Allah, the son of the Prophet of Allah, the son of the Friend (khaleel) of Allah.’

    They said: ‘That is not what we were asking about.’ He said, ‘Are you asking about which lineage of the Arabs is most honuorable?’ They said, ‘Yes.’ He said: ‘The best of you at the time of Jahiliyyah are the best of you in Islam, if they understand properly.” Reference required!


    In a modern context, you may want to find out about your suitor’s family background, what kind of upbringing he had and whether he has any bad habits that he has carried over from jahiliyyah.

    Finances:

    Another common cause of friction among married couples is often related to finances. Finding yourself in a situation where you cannot afford your normal standard of living can be extremely stressful. Knowing ahead of time the state of the suitor's finances can, insha Allah, eliminate unnecessary discord within the marriage.

    Islamically, the husband is responsible for the care of his wife; you may already know that, although many times sisters don't pay close attention to this right until after they have wed. Allah SWT says (English meaning) "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means." (Surah An-Nisaa:34)

    And the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, “They (your women) have a right over you - that you provide them with food and clothing in a fitting manner." (Muslim and Abu Dawud)

    Although there is nothing wrong with marrying a pious brother with little money, there is something wrong with marrying a lazy man. A brother who does not want to work or who makes excuses for why he is not working is not ready to take on the responsibility of a wife and potential family.

    Some questions to ask:
    1. What is your financial situation? Are you in debt?
    2. Can you afford to maintain a wife?
    3. What are your living arrangements? Will we be living with your/my parents? Will you move into my flat or do you have your own place?
    4. Do you expect me to work or claim benefits/social security to support the family?
    5. Do you have the ability to give me an allowance for my own personal use?

    Attraction:

    Ah yes, the looks! What can we say other than that it is important, sisters! Yet, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In other words, what is handsome to one may not be to another. That's fine, know what works for you. Don’t make the mistake of having a fixed idea of ‘your type’ and rejecting anyone who doesn’t fit the bill.

    Attraction is about much more than looks: it is about chemistry and what works for you. Being physically attracted to your spouse helps to keep the bonds of marriage tighter. In Islam, it is permitted and recommended for one to look at their intended spouse, so do so:

    Abu Hurayra (RA) reported: I was in the company of Allah's Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) when there came a man and informed him that he had contracted to marry a woman of the Ansar. Thereupon the Prophet (صلى الله عليهوسلم) said: Did you cast a glance at her? He said: No. He said: Go and cast a glance at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansar. (Sahih Muslim) Please check this wording!


    However, it should be done according to the agreed upon method in the Qur’an and Sunnah of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and should not extend to unchaperoned meetings or dates.

    Now you have a set of guidelines, informed by the Qur’an and the Sunnah. Trust in Allah and start on your journey to finding that special righteous man to be your garment.
    May Allah grant you tawfiq and give you a husband from amongst the muttaqoon.

    For more articles like this subscribe to SISTERS magazine. http://www.sisters-magazine.com/

    Posted by: Heather Admin of http://www.SingleMuslimMatrimonial.com a Free Muslim Matrimonial site

  2. #2
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    MAshaAllah, a nice post for our sisters who want to get married!!

  3. #3
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    Alhumdulilah...very nice!
    Jazaak Allah

  4. #4
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    Indeed, choosing a spouse is not easy, there was various thing which one should consider before marrying someone. MashaAllah your article is very nice and helpful reflectionsofiman.


 

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